My cancer journal entries, condensed. 😉
Cancer, what a journey…
My mom and I. She came to help and support me—what a blessing to have family support during difficult trials.September 7, 2023
An abnormal mammogram. No symptoms. No warning signs. Just a report that silently shifted the air around me. My mind wandered to where every woman’s mind goes. Cancer?
More imaging was ordered. I felt the Lord steady my thoughts before they could spiral. I’m so thankful for this.
Driving to the hospital for my diagnostic mammogram, I felt unusually calm. Not brave, just held by the Lord. I wondered if my prayer to “know You more, Lord” (Philippians 3:10) was part of that sense of “knowing.” I prayed for Glen, for our children, and for my parents. I was blindsided; they would be too.
Two suspicious areas. Biopsy scheduled.
Five samples taken. Biopsy pain was manageable. I was surprised. I was thankful to have Glen with me. The Lord’s peace was noticeable, tangible.
Telling our grown children was harder than the biopsy procedure. Their expressions, their tears, and fears… wanting to be strong for me. I realized this journey would not be mine alone.
Two days before my birthday. Tea at the Japanese Garden with Glen, an early birthday gift. On the drive home, the call came…
Left breast. Ductal carcinoma in situ. DCIS. Stage 0-1. Early stage. Slow growing.
“I have cancer.” It was my birthday call.
The words felt unreal. No one in my family had breast cancer. I expected fear. Instead, there was quiet, calm. I laughed. Perhaps shock? Perhaps grace… since it was just one more deep trial in my life… Reminding myself — God is good! God is not surprised. God is in control. Thank You, Lord.
October
So many appointments. Notes. Decisions to make. A lumpectomy, a mastectomy? Chemo? Radiation? Hormone therapy? Doctors explaining margins, lymph node removal, and statistics. Glen is beside me, so supportive. Our daughter-in-law, a former oncology nurse, is listening on speakerphone, taking notes as the doctor explains. I’m feeling overwhelmed, so much information.
Waiting, so much waiting…… uncertainty, unknown — my Lord knows, He is holding my right hand.
MRI showed no spread. Lymph nodes are clear. Praise God!! That news felt like sunlight breaking through heavy clouds.
I learned support comes in many forms. Family visits, a hand held without words. A warm meal. Promise of prayers. A text that simply says, “How are you really doing?” friends bring meals, words of comfort, flowers, and comfy pajamas.
There was discouragement and fear at times. Cancelled travel plans. Insurance financial scares that resolved. Thank you, Lord. Physical pain layered on emotional uncertainties. Yet every morning as I opened my Bible, God’s Word, I found mercy waiting, His voice speaking. The calm in my heart did not come from denial. It came from the Lord Jesus.
November
Surgery. Healing. Then, a second surgery for clearer margins and lymph node removal. Waiting for pathology felt like standing still while the world held its breath. I’m so thankful for family visits, our children, my mom, and pleasant distractions.
All clear! The cancer had not entered my lymph system. Praise the Lord!!
February to March 2024
Radiation begins. Daily treatments. A cold room. A metal table. Disinfected. The 10-inch-thick door is closing me in, alone, feeling so alone. “No, the Lord is here,” I say over and over and over. He is holding my right hand. My nose is piched off, I have a ‘snorkeling’ mouthpiece. From some faraway place I hear, Relax, breathe through your mouth.” Lord, You are here. Calm my racing heart — Comfort mingled with uncertainties.
“Hold your breath,” says the technician from a room far away. I hold my breath for 30 seconds at a time to protect my heart from radiation. I whispered Scripture and sang hymns in my heart while the radiation machine hummed around me. “Hold, breath. Hold, breath.”
What do people without the Lord do?
The radiation burns started by week three. Skin breaking down. Painful, raw, humbling. I could not wear a bra. Burn cream stained my shirts. I rested. I endured.
Through it all, the Lord did not leave me. Not once! His presence was tangibly felt. I am loved.
I still wonder why He allowed this path for me. But I know this: His peace was deeper than my fear. His presence was steadier than my questions. And even here, in diagnosis rooms and radiation chambers, I have learned to know Him more. I would not change a thing. I am so blessed.
Perhaps that is the greater healing. God is good, always.
I’d love to hear about your cancer journey. Connect with me at steepedingodslove@gmail.com.